Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
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*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
The government even made aliens boring
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.