Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”