Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.