Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.