A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.