The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami