Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies