I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-