Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.