“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now