Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.