Blocked: 1985
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Story time
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
Printer ink is expensive
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.