King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.