I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck