most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.