The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl