If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.