People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites