I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.