People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.