store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?