I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?