My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.