I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
handsome & gretel