30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.