And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.