waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.