Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)