My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you