Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
Asking the real questions!
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
linkedin the good parts
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home