That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
could’ve been anyone
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”