me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
