me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.