“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)