I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.