me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime