When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down