My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?