*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.