[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat