Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys