At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Canadian owl: Eh?
Confused owl: What?!
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”