Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork