one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.