Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
shakira sharkira
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
is he marrying that labradoodle
