Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.