Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.