Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.