I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.