Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.