What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.