Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.